Let Me See If I Get This Straight

1.  My banker, who is the only one to do anything for me at my bank, works part time, calls in sick most of the time, doesn't return emails or voicemails but she still has a job.  Can I have a different banker?  No because you opened the account his HER.  Okay, but SHE doesn't do HER job.  Well that's because she's out sick.  Really...I've been here 10 months and every time I call she's out sick.  I know..I know you can't fire anyone here.

2.  I need snow tires for my car because it's a law here that you have to have snow tires.  No, it's not the Rockies or even the Alps.  In fact it doesn't even snow enough here for most of us to even need 4 wheel drive but somehow there's a law...go figure.  Greg's admin calls the dealership to schedule an appointment but they need the license plate number.  No problem.  I give it to them.  They can't find my car in their database so they want the VIN number.  Okay, I give them the VIN, the license plate number and the invoice number from when I bought the car.  Their response....we can't find your car.  My response.  Listen you IDIOTS!  I know where the car is.  I have it.  I just need you to put tires on it.  It's a BMW.  You're a B-M-W dealership that sells B-M-W parts, tires, t-shirts...It's not a custom made car, it's the same as 80% of the cars in every parking lot.  This is NOT rocket science.  This is Kindergarten science.  I need snow tires, you sell snow tires.  Am I missing something here?

3.  The router for the internet is intermittent.  I have Greg's admin call the MONOPOLY Deutsche Telekom to have them come out and put a new one in.  She calls and they answer the phone, tell her they are too busy to talk to her right now and hang up.  For two days she continues to call until we finally get an appointment.  TWO guys show up to replace it.  I sign off on them replacing it and I ask them where is the new router.  Oh...we'll have that shipped to you.  Wait...the only pieces of equipment you guys work with are $12.00 routers which you don't carry on the truck with you so you are going to order it, ship it and then come back again and install it?  Yep!  Wonder how that looks on the books.  Cost of router $12.00.  Cost to diagnose, ship & install $500.  German efficiency...PRICELESS

Da Funk

I don't know what it is here.  I'm not sure if the men here think that they are all Matthew McConaughey and therefore they don't need to wear deoderant or if it's some sort of mating ritual that I'm not familiar with but there is some "funk" going on with some of these people.  The best place to exerpience it is in the gym.  Picture this...you go in to the gym and there is no air conditioning so you have a whole room full of smelly people.  Okay, no problem.  I always go right for the tread mill in front of the open window.  Now, Germans don't like drafts so if it starts to get to "fresh" in the gym they all run for the window to close it.  God forbid we all die from a draft of an open window.  I would much rather die from the smell of 10 mens smelly armpits.  I ask myself constantly, "Are you wondering what that smell is?  "Are you thinking that's german machismo or what?"  "Do you smell yourselves?"  "Does someone get in bed with that each night?"  These are the thoughts that run through your mind as your trying not to gag.

Then one day it all came to me.  I was driving down the street and I saw this:

There must be rules about stinkiness!  Yes, I took the picture from my car as I was chasing him down to get his number.  This is who you call to come and get those people.  I feel better now.  I have the number for the "Funk Police".

Fido...Rover....Nicki

Last week Greg and I went to a party, (I know...hard to believe right?) and as we enter the house I realize there are a few people I don't know.  Having ridden the coat tails of  a professional sales guy for over 15 years now, who knows everyones name and becomes the life of every party I courageously set off to introduce myself to those I don't know.  First gentleman I come across I extend my hand and say, "Hi, my name is Nicki."  He responds with the customary, "Nice to meet you, my name is (can't remember, just not as good as Greg about the actual remembering the name part)."  I then walk up to the next group, an American man on my left and a German woman on my right.  I again say, "Hi, I'm Nicki", the German woman responds with her name.  I believe I've met her before and tell her so.  She responds with, "What's your last name?"  I tell her and then say to both the man and the woman.  "It's just easier to remember Nicki.  I'm usually the only one.  There aren't a lot of Nickis' in the world."  The German woman responds, "Yes, it's usually a dog's name."  At this point I have no appropriate response.  She truly meant no harm but unfortunately the Germans don't really have a filter as to what comes out of their mouths some times.  I've been told about their Herpes, their rectal problems/disfunctions and the last time they had sex as though it were casual conversation.  Having lived here only 8 months I still haven't come up with an appropriate response.  I think for this woman I'll just say....."Bless her heart."

No Soup For You!

We all remember the Soup Nazi in Seinfeld right?  Well we live with those people every day.  Last month we all loaded in the car for an adventure up the Rhein and decided to stop in Rüdesheim for a snack.  Garrett wanted ice cream so we sit at the tables outside of the ice cream counter and Garrett orders two scoops on a waffle cone, Brittany and I order coffee drinks and Greg tells the waitress that he would also like two scoops of vanilla on a waffle cone.  She says to Greg, "No".  We thought maybe she didn't understand so we reiterated in German that Greg would like the same thing as Garrett.  She again told him, "No".  We asked why and were told that Garrett could have a cone at the table because he was a kid but if Greg wanted ice cream at the table then it needed to be in a bowl, cones are only ordered at the counter.  So you know what Greg said,  and then he got up, walked the three feet to the counter and ordered his ice cream cone.  I mumbled under my breath, "No soup for you!"

This week Carrie and I go out to lunch and it's a warm sunny day (very unheard of here most of the time) and we ask for iced tea.  The waiter of course says, "No".  So instead we tell him.  Okay, we'll have a cup of tea and a glass of ice.  If we want it that way then it's okay so he brought us our tea and a glass of ice.

Moral of the story:  A Spoon Can Only Be A Spoon.

Shhhhh!!!

It seems to be a reoccuring theme here.  First of all there's quiet hour every day from 1:30-3:30.  Everyone has to be quiet.  So if you're working outside making noise you have to stop between those hours.  Also, Sundays is quiet DAY so no making any significant noise outside all day.  They are serious too.  My neighbor was chastised on a Sunday because her kids were outside jumping on the trampoline.  The neighbors behind me told me that they are okay with children and it's okay if ours are outside but they really don't like the trampoline next door because it just makes the children scream and yell too loud and so they had to ask that it be moved.  The good news is that as of the 1st of June here you can no longer sue your neighbor if their kids are too loud.  The screams and laughter of children is no longer considered noise.  No wonder the average family only has 1 child.

Just to expand on my point a little, last week we were taking our tennis lesson and the man next to us came over to tell us that, "This is not normal."  not sure what he was referring to we asked him what he was talking about.  He told us that we shouldn't be talking on the court, that wasn't normal.  Even our german tennis instructor was a little shocked by that one.  We explained that we were taking a lesson but he still disagreed and went and told the manager that we were making too much noise and then came back and said, "No you are going to learn."  So what happens....they kick us off the tennis court with our instructor who works there.  Yeah, still amazed by that one.

Now it's okay for your dog to bark in a restaurant.  No one even turns their head.  First I had to get used to dogs and cats in the restaurant and then last week when someone's big dog started barking in the restaurant I thought, oh man, they don't even like kids to talk too loud, I wonder what's going to happen now.  NOTHING.  The dog kept barking and everyone kept eating.

Note to self:  Leave your kids at home but it's okay to bring your dog to dinner.

Letter to My Neighbors

We just recieved a letter from our neighbor last night stating that they were having a birthday party for their daughter in their backyard and apologizing if they made to much noise.  I felt that I should follow their example and write my own letter.

Dear Germany,
We are the Swaffords.  We are here for the next two years.  We understand that you speak German here and with the exception of my husband, we are trying our best to learn it as fast as possible.  My husband does speak the international language of profanity so if he cannot understand you and you start yelling at him he will fall back on his international language and he has found that he is able to get his point across.

We come from the land of "the more the merrier"!  Now, you can stand on the other side of our fence and stare at us and refuse to smile or feel free to come on in and join the party.  Everyone is always welcome.  The best way that we have found to deal with all you grumpy people is to surround ourselves with fun people so therefore if we are home you can guarantee that there is going to be lots of people over here, way to much wine flowing and lots of great food.  We are sorry if the music gets too loud.  We have found that you love American music too and there's no better way to enjoy it but to dance and sing at the top of your lungs.

Our children like to play outside.  They are going to run, scream, squirt each other with the hose, throw balls and enjoy life to the fulliest.  This is okay, really, it's okay.  You were once a child too and if it bothers you that much then close your doors and windows and go inside because children need to play outside and enjoy the world like you once did when you were a child.


Sincerely,

Greg, Nicki, Brittany & Garrett

Germans Always Tell You What They Feel

I'm still surprised when a German tells me exactly what they are thinking.  Let me give you a few examples.

1.  Last week I'm at the grocery store and this guy stops me and says something in German.  I tell him, in German, that I speak only a little bit of German.  No problem, he speaks English.  So he asks me if I think it would be okay if he puts this chocolate on his ex-girlfriends windshield for her little boy.  They broke up but he still loves her.  Not really sure how to answer this one.  I don't want to encourage a stalker.  He then proceeds to tell me that he hasn't had sexual relations with her since December but he really wants to get back together.  Now what am I supposed to do.  This is not something I need to know.  Of course to him its just part of the conversation and a vital fact I should know so that I can truly understand the situation.

2.  We are at the Heidelberg Castle having a tour and I ask the tour guide why the sundial clock doesn't have a 4 or a 5 on it.

Now in America the tour guide would say, "I don't know, but that's an interesting question.  I'll have to find out."  Here the tour guide says, "I don't know."  I say, "Oh, you'll have to find that out for the next group."  She says, "I don't zink so.  Zis is not zomething I care about."  Okay then, still don't know why there is no four or five on the clock.

3.  My favorite is how they want to make fun of my name.  I've gotten some really good ones.  I say, "My name is Nicki."  and I get, "Zis is not a name."  "Yes, it is, that's my name."  "No, we don't have a name like zis for a girl, only a boy."  The next person says to me, "Why did your parents give you a nickname as a name?"  By the third time I already knew what to say.  "Yeah, yeah, Nicki isn't a name you hear in Germany."  This guy says to me, "No, we hear Nicki, like the mouse right?"  "No, NICKI not MICKEY."  "Oh, yeah, that's not a name."  Are you kidding me people?  Like Edeltraud, Fieke, and  Waltruad are girls names that you hear every day.

What Is This REALLY For?

Yeah, I know... it's a bidet, but what are you supposed to do with it?  I ask people all over Europe, and they know what it is, but they've never used one, and they can't tell you how to use it or why to use it or why they keep putting them in the bathrooms in Europe.  So here's my take.  Long, long ago, in days of old when there were no showers they created the bidet so that people could wash their "parts".  Now we have showers AND bathtubs so I'm not quite sure why I need a bidet next to my shower/bathtub to wash my "parts".  If they really need to be washed that bad shouldn't I be taking a shower/bath?

Now for the sake of argument let's just walk through the process here and see where it goes.  I use the toilet, then I get up, straddle the bidet, turn it on and give my "parts" a good rinse.  First of all, to me it kind of looks like sitting on the toilet after Greg has left the seat up and haven't we women been trying to avoid that part of the toilet?  Secondly, if you look to the right of the bidet you see the little hook where the towel hangs.  So I use the bidet and then I grab the towel to dry off.  Now that towel is supposed to be for everyone using the bidet?  What if it's already wet which means someone has been there before me?  Kind of defeats the purpose of the whole rinse factor if I'm now using a wet towel that Greg probably used last.  My poor friend Debbie can't even use the hand towel in the bathroom if someone else has used it.  Just imagine what would happen if she was faced with a wet "bidet towel".  So once again I ask, "What is this REALLY for"?  I have come up with some uses I find worthy.

1.  Take it out of the bathroom and put it in the mud room.  I don't really care about my kids butt cleanliness, but I can't stand dirty feet.  Ask my sister, I would camp if it weren't for the whole dirty feet thing.  Hang a scrub brush and a towel on that hook and I'm in!
2.  Again, put it in the mud room.  I'm always having to clean the dogs paws on those rainy days (yes, I know I have a dirty foot/paw thing).  I could clean the dogs paws right by the back door before they ever got in to the house.

I welcome all suggestions, because I really don't see Greg waddling across the room with his underwear down at his ankles so that he can go rinse his "parts" on a toilet with the seat up, using a towel that after that rendezvous should probably be burned.

German Landlords

Right now Carrie is saying, "I told you so."  When we started to look for a place to rent here Carrie told me numerous times that you don't want a place where the landlord lives near by.  Well when we got here there was only one place left and the landlord lives across the street.  How bad could it be right?  BAD....REALLY BAD!

I should of had a clue when we arrived from the airport that first day, set our bags down and someone knocked on the door.  Of course it was her welcoming us to our new home and asking to set up the 1-2 hour walk through and "training" of the house.  I need "training" for the house?  Okay, yes, when we moved to PA I had to call Linda several times to ask how a septic worked and what was a heat pump, but eventually I got it all down without blowing anything up or burning anything down.  So being the loving wife that I am I set Greg up for the one hour "training" of the house where he was shown everything from how to work the dishwasher to how the heat system works and I do mean HOW IT WORKS.   The water starts here in the water heater, goes through these pipes, comes to the floor, heats the floor and it controlled by this thermostat.  Since then I've been given the following lessons from the dear landlord.

1.  You can't store the mop in that closet because there isn't good ventilation

2.  I already told you about how we have to open the window, because the hood above the oven may suck all the oxygen out of the house.

3.  In the lease she put that we need to wipe down the shower doors EVERY day.  Put Greg in charge of that one and you know how often he's home and how much housework he does.

4.  We were leaving for vacation and she told us that she has to come in the house every day and open the windows on every floor for 15 minutes to let the moisture out of the house because it is a new house and we said we would air it out regularly.  (WHACKO!!!)

5.  A gate is not a fence.  She's responsible for putting a fence around the yard so she put three sides on but not the gate part the closes it all off, because a gate is not a fence.

6.  I need to move my bikes out of the garage so that we can put the blue recylcing trash can in there because the trash can is ugly and shouldn't sit outside.  Got right on that one.

7.  I also needed to move some stuff out of the garage because she made it extra long so that she could put the gardening tools (wheel barrel, hoses, shovel, etc.) in the garage.  I explained to her that Greg has "people" who bring their own gardening tools so we won't be needing those and she was welcome to take them to her house.

8.  When I hang the curtains there is no need for me to use three holders for the rod, I really only need 2 and if I'll come over to her house she'll show me how to hang curtains.

9.  I can't lean anything against the house because it may cave it in.

10.  I forgot to put my BBQ cover back on the grill.

11.  My all time favorite is when she was in the house to fix something in Brittany's room and decided to wander in to the basement and the dog pooped right in front of her.  I guess that was the dog trying to tell her something.  In return she sent me this picture.

She sent me an email and asked "How can this be avoided?"  I guess she shouldn't wander around the house when she's not supposed to.

So we had a big meeting with her and our relocation agent to discuss the fact that she needed to give us some privacy and stop coming in the house.  She agreed and the next day Greg found her in the garage.  

Chicken & Crackers German Style

My children love chicken and crackers.  That would be canned chicken mixed with a little mayonaise and mustard with a sprinkle of pepper.  I know it doesn't sound like much but my kids take it to school at least once a week.  They put a little chicken salad on their cracker and eat it up.  When we got here I told them not to worry that Carrie said she saw canned chicken.  I know you are probably saying that I should just make it fresh and I too had that very idea.  I seasoned and cooked a perfect chicken breast, chopped in up finely mixed it with mayo, mustard and pepper and..........they wouldn't eat it.  "Tastes funny mom."  Whatever!  So I venture to the store that Carrie said she found the "chicken in a can" with the intent of being mommy of the year and making my children chicken and crackers.  I searched the world of canned meat (and in Germany that's many many cans) and found this can.

I get out my iPhone and type Hahnchenfleisch into iTranslate to make sure that it's chicken and the translation comes back as Hahnchenfleisch, but there is a picture of a rooster which is a male chicken so this has got to be it.  I skip to the register with two cans of Hahnchenfleish.  Can't pronounce it but can hardly wait to eat it.  I put all the groceries away, get a bowl out, mayo, mustard and crackers.  I tell Brittany that I FOUND IT!  Chicken and crackers will be ready in 5 minutes.  I get the can opener, open the can, turn it over to pour out the broth that is in the can and nothing comes out.  At this point I'm thinking that this is not a good sign.  Still decide to move forward and I take the lid off to find this:

WHAT is that?  What is the gelatinous substance around the outside of the...dare I say chicken.  Maybe it really is rooster and since I always buy chicken I just didn't know that canned rooster looks like regurgitated spam.  Well I guess there will be no chicken and crackers while in Germany.  Can I live off Pringles and gummy bears for 2 years?  Only time will tell.

Everything Germany is Italy Isn't

We just spent the week in Sicily, Italy and although we've learned to follow the rules EXPLICITLY in Germany we found they aren't quite as strict in Italy.

We arrived at the airport and were making our way to Taormina.  Greg approached a police car with it's lights on and asked me if he should pass them.  I replied, "It's Italy, I don't think it's a problem."  So he just sped up and drove on by.  They didn't care.  They carried on.  The next day we passed the ambulance with the driver in the front seat smoking a cigar.  In fact, most of the cars on the freeway (yes, my east coast friends it's a FREEWAY, just in Italian) just drive down the center of the road.  When you want to park in Italy you just pull over and turn your hazard lights on.  We didn't figure the hazard light thing out right away so we had a few italian parking tickets that we got to take home as souvenirs.

We spent our first day exploring Mt. Etna, the active volcano in Sicily, while the boys (John and Greg) spent the day in bed with a cold.

The next day we went to Randazzo where Greg was successful in finding the wine shop and the butcher/cheese shop.  In true Swafford style we spent the evening dining on red wine, cheese and prosciutto.

While we were out the first day Greg went on a walk through the area we were staying and found a road  that had an old faded sign that said "Taormina".  We decided that we should follow that the next day and see if we could get there.  As you can see it was a true "goat path".

We couldn't leave Italy without visting the wineries, I know, you're all COMPLETELY surprised.  Greg bought his standard 50-60 bottles of which I'm sure we'll have to find some German friends who will store it in their basement when we come back to the states.  Wine is kind of like his teddy bear.  He just needs it near him and he feels better.  

At the last winery we visited we were joined by a famous Italian singer who got Greg to sing along with him.  Sorry I didn't get the audio of that.  You'll just have to trust me that it wasn't pretty.

We arrived home full of pasta and once again I found a way to carry a case of wine home in all the suitcases.  I posted more pictures on Facebook.

Garrett & Greg's Master of European Languages

As you all know Garrett is a very self confident child.  He doesn't necessarily have to be great to  know that he's the best at anything.  This has proven to be true even in Germany.  Garrett met a new friend from Indiana and spent the day with them on Saturday.  The dad, Garrett, Elliott and his brother Ian wanted to go to lunch so Garrett told them about his favorite restaurant.  They serve french fries on pizza which is every child's dream.  Garrett showed them all the way to walk there from where they live.  Now Elliott's dad was raised in Germany and speaks fluent German.  Garrett has been here 1 month and knows how to say Ich bin (I am) and Sprite in German.  Upon entering the restaurant Garrett leans over to Elliott's dad and tells him, "You better let me do all the talking, they only speak German in here."

Like father like son.  Greg is in Italy last week and is in a meeting where he responds to someone with, "That Sucks!"  No one said a thing and as they left the meeting, the italian sales person that works for Greg asked him, "Why you talk about socks in the meeting?"  I guess "sucks" isn't as universal as we all thought.  Later the same day Greg is with the same sales person and tells him "That's Awesome!" to which the sales guy says, "What's awesome?  Is that like ass?"  I guess awesome isn't universal either.

WHAT?

Went to the movies tonight and they asked us where we wanted to sit, in the back or more towards the middle.  I thought, wow, there must be different prices depending on where you want to sit.  No....they have assigned seating in the movie theater.  Worse than that is that people actually sit in their assigned seats.  Even if there are whole rows empty they will come and sit right next to you because that's their assigned seat.  UNBELIEVABLE!  You would have thought that the Germans got tired of people telling them what to do 50 years ago.  The good news is that they serve alcohol in the movie theatre so all is not lost if the movie is really bad.

I know I told most of you this one but for those that I didn't, here you go.  Our land lady told me the electrician needed to come over to fix the hood/exhaust over the stove.  Not sure what could be wrong with it, because the house is brand new but okay.  For 3 hours the guy is here.  When they are all done they want to show me what the fix was.  Apparently there is a law now in Germany for all brand new homes that says: if you turn your fan on over the stove then you must open a window so that you don't suck all the oxygen out of the house.  The hood now has a sensor as well as my kitchen window.  The exhaust now does not turn on unless I go over and open the window.  Just writing it I'm laughing.  I guess if this is true then I should limit the number of guests that I allow in before opening the windows.  I don't want them breathing up all the oxygen.  Did I mention next week they are coming to install one for the fireplace?  The same is true for fire.  Since fire takes oxygen to burn then we will need to open a window before the glass will open on the fireplace.  Don't want the fire sucking up all the oxygen and killing us all.  I guess there must have been a HUGE epidemic of people dying from their range hoods sucking all the oxygen out of their houses and they suffocated.  Going to Google it right now!

The Missing Page of The Declaration of Independence

After being here a month now I've decided that there must be a missing page of The Declaration of Independence.  Yeah of course the founding fathers wanted a democracy and a better way to define their new government but here's the stuff they forgot to mention.

1.  No 24 hour clock for us.  We're going to go from 1-12 and then start all over again.  That whole 23:00 o'clock is just too confusing (unless of course you are in the military and then we stick with the 24 hour clock just to mess with those guys.)

2.  220v......no...no...no  Let's make all new plugs so that we can identify any of those foreigners that come in to our country.  We'll cut them off at the pass and blow up their hair dryers.

3.  From now on all the light switches will be pushed up to turn on and down to off.

4.  All bed sizes will be different over here so that when the Europeans arrive they'll all have to buy new beds and new linens.

5.  Okay, maybe they weren't thinking that far ahead but a later amendment to the Declaration of Independence were the TV standards.  If Europeans want the PAL video standard then we are going to use NTSC just so they have to buy new TVs over here as well.

6.  If the rest of the world changes to a different form of measurement (i.e. metric) we won't.  That way, no one will know how fast they are going, how far it is to the next exit, what temperature the oven is on, how much butter to put in their cake mix or how much material you need to make drapes

Stopping To Smell The Roses

I was told that everything takes longer in Germany and you really have to plan your days/weeks.  I was good with that.  You all know that I'm nothing if not a planner/organizer.  We all know I can make an itinerary for anything.  I just didn't realize the extent of the slow down until I got here.  Here's a peek.

1.  We finally got our ATM card and I figured I should go get some cash so I did a search as to where all the ATMs were so that I could stop by one and get some cash.  Most places here don't take credit cards so you need to have cash available at all times.  I went on Deutsche Banks website, did an ATM search and it came back with just 1 listing in Bad Homburg.  Knowing that there are ATMs on every corner, WaWa or gas station I knew this certainly must be incorrect.  Nope...that's it.  All the banks are downtown and you need to plan a stop at least once a week and don't even think there's a drive through or a place where you just pull your car up, jump out and do your business.  You must park in one of the three parking garages, take the elevator to the top floor, walk to the pedestrian zone and go inside the bank.  I now carry cash in my wallet and rob Greg's every time he comes home.

2.  Everything is closed on Sundays except restaurants.  No grocery stores, no malls not even a 7-11 for emergency milk purchases.  As many of you know Greg doesn't like to run short of anything so a list of all possible consumable items must be made on Friday because there is no Tanner's open at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday should he decide he needs bacon with his breakfast.  I've had to warn him that even though it may be on the list that doesn't mean the store is going to have it.  Everything is very fresh here and they don't use preservatives like we use so there is only a finite amount of goods put out at the store so when it's gone you must choose something else.  Yesterday I went to the store and they were out of eggs.  Eggs aren't refrigerated here (it's okay, they aren't refrigerated inside the chicken either) so I stood in front of the empty shelf for at least a minute staring at the place they were last week wondering if I was in the wrong place, but the shelf was labeled eggs, there just weren't any.  It's hard to believe but I will make note on future itinerarys that there may need to be a back up option for grocery shopping.

3.  No drawer of "To Go Menus" anymore.  You must go in, sit down and enjoy a leisurely meal.  When you make a reservation for dinner it's expected that you will be at the table all night.  This is forced patience and relaxation for my poor husband.  He really liked the California way of having dinner where you could be in and out in less than an hour.  So I've really become a lady of leisure.  It's not my fault.  It's just the German way.  I'm just doing what I can to fit in.  An appertif before lunch, lunch, and then a leisurely coffee afterwards.  Lunch could take a few hours.  Not to worry, I've planned my days accordingly.

My First Chick Fight In Germany

It started out like any other day here.  I chose the nicest of my 6 outfits to go to the American Women's Club 40th Anniversary celebration.  The mayor (Burgermeister) of Oberursel would be in attendance. I know, just like in the Christmas cartoon.  I couldn't believe there really is a Burgermeister Meister Burger.  I didn't personally get to meet him to talk to him about the whole "no toys" thing but I'm sure we'll meet up again, and I'll see where he stands on the issue.  The venue for the event was beautifully set up and we gladly checked our coats in at the front before proceeding on to the stage to practice our skit.  That's a whole different story about how 2 weeks after being here I'm on stage taking part in a skit in front of a bunch of people I don't even know.  Anyway, the event was over at 12:00 but Carrie and I were there late talking so it was after 1:00 before we went to get our coats.  The problem arose when Carrie couldn't find her little plastic number tab they give you when you go to check your coat in.  We searched everywhere, went through her purse twice, looked on stage until we finally told the coat check lady that Carrie had lost her number.  The coat check lady didn't speak English so we had another woman there helping to translate.  We'll call the coat check lady Olga for now.  Olga tells Carrie that she must go find the number.  Carrie tells her that we looked everywhere and it's lost.  I tell Carrie that I only know 7 German words but I'm pretty sure that the signs says that if you lose your number then you have to pay 2.50 euro.  Carrie tells Olga she will give her 2.50 euro but the lady says no she must go find her little plastic number.  Carrie says "No, I've looked and I can't find it so I'll just pay the 2.50 euro."  Olga tells her that she will have to wait until everyone has left the building and then Olga will search the building for the plastic number.  Meanwhile there are only 6 coats left hanging in the whole place anyway.  By now there are about 5 people watching this whole brawl take place so being a true friend I hold Carrie's purse while she walks behind the counter to get her coat herself.  That's when my first german chick fight began.  Olga came at Carrie yelling who knows what but she definitely didn't like Carrie on her "coat rack" turf.  Carrie tells her that she'll get the coat herself.  Olga calls the manager of the venue.  The manager and security come.  Women are everywhere trying to get Carrie's purple raincoat which really wouldn't have fit Olga so I'm not sure why she wanted it so badly.  The manager comes over, gives Carrie her coat and to this day we are pretty sure that Olga is scouring the Stadthalle looking for Carrie's lost number.  Moral of the story is.  There must always be order and if there are 350 coat rack numbers and one is lost then that is not order or Olga really wanted the purple raincoat.

Valuable Lessons

1.  Curry is in everything.  I know....you say to yourself (much like I did) it can't be in EVERYTHING.  No, it is in everything.  Just this week I learned that curry is in ketchup, chinese lo mein, cream of broccoli soup and Old El Paso taco seasoning.  I thought for sure taco seasoning from Texas wouldn't have curry in it, but I was wrong.  You put that spice in the taco meat expecting to smell chili powder and you get this P U of curry.  Note to friends:  Please include packets of taco seasoning with all shipments of corn tortillas.

2.  Everthing is recylced here and don't even think of putting it in the wrong place or throwing it away at the wrong time.  There's a yellow bag, black bag, blue trash can, special neighborhood cans for green glass, white glass, brown glass and paper.  Make sure you know all the german words for those colors prior to arriving at the designated trash can.  By the way, you can NOT put trash in the neighborhood trash cans on Sundays.  Sundays are quiet days and you cannot make noise emptying your garbage.  This was very hard for Greg to accept since he doesn't like to be told what to do.  The rebel wanted to throw paper in the universal paper garbage can on Sunday but I had to convince him that it was a major rule breaker and we didn't want to be "THOSE" neighbors our first month here.  The great news is that everything has a place and gets recylced.  The bad news is that you walk around the kitchen with garbage in your hand for 5 minutes trying to figure out where to put it.

3.  Banking is very different here and seems to be much for efficient.  No checks.  Everything is done by account transfer.  When you get a bill you also get an account number of where to transfer the money to.  If I owe you $100 you just give me your account number and I transfer it to your account.  All you need to be able to do this is a pin number.  Everyone gets a personal banker when they open an account so this should all run smoothly you would think.  We've had our account for 2.5 months and much like our furniture we still haven't gotten our pin number.  Now everyone knows that Greg can get anything from anybody even if he has to call the president of  Marriott.  Unfortunately people don't understand that here and although he wants to tell them that he will be sharing with all our friends and neighbors (of which we have 1 of each) that they should not do business with Deutsche Bank, nobody seems to care.  If he could just tell people off as well in German as he does in English I know we would be getting somewhere.

Driving in Germany

This week was my Figure Out How To Drive In Germany week.  First of all, they do drive on the right side of the road so I was already one step in the right direction.  Fortunately the car I have has a navigation system.  I don't think the British lady the lives inside speaks German very well because she never says the name of the street she just says to turn right in 100 meters.  After passing many right turns I have figured out approximately how far 100 meters are and am making far fewer u-turns.  U-Turns are a whole task in themselves.  First of all, many of the streets are only as wide as one car and so the making of a u-turn is not possible.  It's best to just follow the road until it comes out somewhere, reset the navigation system to where you were trying to get to and start over again.  I have now driven around the American Womens Club three times trying to figure out where to park.  Parking is either in garages, on the street or in designated areas.  Even the grocery store has only about 10 parking spaces since everyone walks to the store.  If you park in an area that has a blue P then you put this card in the windshield that says what time you got there and the police BELIEVE YOU and you won't get a ticket.  Haven't figured out where you get one of those just yet.  Parked there any way and hoped for the best.

The other crazy thing is that if you are in more residential areas there aren't stop signs.  If you are driving down the road and there is an intersection coming up on your right then it is your responsibility to slow down and give that person the right away to pull out in front of you.  That is unless you see a yellow diamond sign on the street somewhere.  If you see a yellow diamond then you have the right away.  I know, you can't even picture it.  Think how I feel in the car.  I keep stopping all over the place because I'm not sure who is supposed to go first.  I just keep the windows up and the radio on so if someone is screaming at me I can't hear them anyway.  Probably wouldn't understand what they were saying either.

Our First Week

We just finished our first week of being in Germany and over all we did pretty well.  When planning an air shipment in the future a couple things to remember to bring.  #1 -  a measuring cup with metric measurements and more clothes.  We found that it's really hard to make pancakes from a German pancake mix without knowing how much milk to put in.  We all could use some different clothes as this point as well.  Our sea shipment doesn't get here for 10 more days and these 8-10 outfits we all brought are starting to get very old.  We love German efficiency except when it comes to laundry.  Why does it take over 2 hours to wash a load and another 50 minutes to dry it?  It just doesn't seem right.  I also think the USA could be making millions exporting beds to Germany.  What are they thinking sleeping on these hard beds one foot off the floor.  I can't sleep more than 4 hours without waking up trying to fluff up my brick bed.

Of course living with Greg always has it's laughter.  Last week his navigation system told him to turn right so he did, not realizing that it was a pedestrian walk way.  Fortunately the policeman was very understanding and yes, once again he talked his way out of his first german ticket.  His company car is an Audi A8 which is a very large car for here since all the parking garages and parking spaces are built for SmartCars.  You know the ones, if you can't find a place to put it you just store it in your purse until it's time to leave.  Today we pulled in to a garage and after several attempts to get it in to a parking space he gave up and we drove out of the parking garage to find a spot on the street.

We did have a beautiful walk in the forest today which is what everyone does on Sundays since everything closes on Sundays.  There were streams running everywhere, wild sheep and deer that we ran in to.  I'll post pictures soon so you can see the beauty of it al.