Things That Make You Go Hummmmm

I've taken a few pictures lately of things that made me go hummmm.

This is the sign outside the grocery store.  It's a parking spot for your dog.  They are the first spots in the parking lot.  First the dog parking spot, then the human parking spots.  No spots for women with children or babies.  It's kind of like that in real life too.  Germans will tolerate your dog barking in a restaurant but please make sure you children are quite.

This was the meat section the other day when I went to the store.  I looked several times, walked around it a few times wondering if they just moved the meat somewhere and then called my friend to ask her if it was some sort of German Vegetarian Day that I didn't know about.  It was none of the above, just out of meat that day.

This one grosses me out every time I go to the store.  Now I've lived on the east coast and the west coast and I have yet to see American Style Hot Dogs in a jar with a foreign liquid around it.  I can't even look at them without throwing up just a little bit.  These things go like hot cakes too.  Kids bring them to the Teacher Appreciation Lunch, no one eats them and then the German moms are fighting over who is going to bring them home.

The grand Finale...

This one speaks for itself!

Let Me See If I Get This Straight

1.  My banker, who is the only one to do anything for me at my bank, works part time, calls in sick most of the time, doesn't return emails or voicemails but she still has a job.  Can I have a different banker?  No because you opened the account his HER.  Okay, but SHE doesn't do HER job.  Well that's because she's out sick.  Really...I've been here 10 months and every time I call she's out sick.  I know..I know you can't fire anyone here.

2.  I need snow tires for my car because it's a law here that you have to have snow tires.  No, it's not the Rockies or even the Alps.  In fact it doesn't even snow enough here for most of us to even need 4 wheel drive but somehow there's a law...go figure.  Greg's admin calls the dealership to schedule an appointment but they need the license plate number.  No problem.  I give it to them.  They can't find my car in their database so they want the VIN number.  Okay, I give them the VIN, the license plate number and the invoice number from when I bought the car.  Their response....we can't find your car.  My response.  Listen you IDIOTS!  I know where the car is.  I have it.  I just need you to put tires on it.  It's a BMW.  You're a B-M-W dealership that sells B-M-W parts, tires, t-shirts...It's not a custom made car, it's the same as 80% of the cars in every parking lot.  This is NOT rocket science.  This is Kindergarten science.  I need snow tires, you sell snow tires.  Am I missing something here?

3.  The router for the internet is intermittent.  I have Greg's admin call the MONOPOLY Deutsche Telekom to have them come out and put a new one in.  She calls and they answer the phone, tell her they are too busy to talk to her right now and hang up.  For two days she continues to call until we finally get an appointment.  TWO guys show up to replace it.  I sign off on them replacing it and I ask them where is the new router.  Oh...we'll have that shipped to you.  Wait...the only pieces of equipment you guys work with are $12.00 routers which you don't carry on the truck with you so you are going to order it, ship it and then come back again and install it?  Yep!  Wonder how that looks on the books.  Cost of router $12.00.  Cost to diagnose, ship & install $500.  German efficiency...PRICELESS

Da Funk

I don't know what it is here.  I'm not sure if the men here think that they are all Matthew McConaughey and therefore they don't need to wear deoderant or if it's some sort of mating ritual that I'm not familiar with but there is some "funk" going on with some of these people.  The best place to exerpience it is in the gym.  Picture this...you go in to the gym and there is no air conditioning so you have a whole room full of smelly people.  Okay, no problem.  I always go right for the tread mill in front of the open window.  Now, Germans don't like drafts so if it starts to get to "fresh" in the gym they all run for the window to close it.  God forbid we all die from a draft of an open window.  I would much rather die from the smell of 10 mens smelly armpits.  I ask myself constantly, "Are you wondering what that smell is?  "Are you thinking that's german machismo or what?"  "Do you smell yourselves?"  "Does someone get in bed with that each night?"  These are the thoughts that run through your mind as your trying not to gag.

Then one day it all came to me.  I was driving down the street and I saw this:

There must be rules about stinkiness!  Yes, I took the picture from my car as I was chasing him down to get his number.  This is who you call to come and get those people.  I feel better now.  I have the number for the "Funk Police".

Fido...Rover....Nicki

Last week Greg and I went to a party, (I know...hard to believe right?) and as we enter the house I realize there are a few people I don't know.  Having ridden the coat tails of  a professional sales guy for over 15 years now, who knows everyones name and becomes the life of every party I courageously set off to introduce myself to those I don't know.  First gentleman I come across I extend my hand and say, "Hi, my name is Nicki."  He responds with the customary, "Nice to meet you, my name is (can't remember, just not as good as Greg about the actual remembering the name part)."  I then walk up to the next group, an American man on my left and a German woman on my right.  I again say, "Hi, I'm Nicki", the German woman responds with her name.  I believe I've met her before and tell her so.  She responds with, "What's your last name?"  I tell her and then say to both the man and the woman.  "It's just easier to remember Nicki.  I'm usually the only one.  There aren't a lot of Nickis' in the world."  The German woman responds, "Yes, it's usually a dog's name."  At this point I have no appropriate response.  She truly meant no harm but unfortunately the Germans don't really have a filter as to what comes out of their mouths some times.  I've been told about their Herpes, their rectal problems/disfunctions and the last time they had sex as though it were casual conversation.  Having lived here only 8 months I still haven't come up with an appropriate response.  I think for this woman I'll just say....."Bless her heart."

No Soup For You!

We all remember the Soup Nazi in Seinfeld right?  Well we live with those people every day.  Last month we all loaded in the car for an adventure up the Rhein and decided to stop in Rüdesheim for a snack.  Garrett wanted ice cream so we sit at the tables outside of the ice cream counter and Garrett orders two scoops on a waffle cone, Brittany and I order coffee drinks and Greg tells the waitress that he would also like two scoops of vanilla on a waffle cone.  She says to Greg, "No".  We thought maybe she didn't understand so we reiterated in German that Greg would like the same thing as Garrett.  She again told him, "No".  We asked why and were told that Garrett could have a cone at the table because he was a kid but if Greg wanted ice cream at the table then it needed to be in a bowl, cones are only ordered at the counter.  So you know what Greg said,  and then he got up, walked the three feet to the counter and ordered his ice cream cone.  I mumbled under my breath, "No soup for you!"

This week Carrie and I go out to lunch and it's a warm sunny day (very unheard of here most of the time) and we ask for iced tea.  The waiter of course says, "No".  So instead we tell him.  Okay, we'll have a cup of tea and a glass of ice.  If we want it that way then it's okay so he brought us our tea and a glass of ice.

Moral of the story:  A Spoon Can Only Be A Spoon.

Shhhhh!!!

It seems to be a reoccuring theme here.  First of all there's quiet hour every day from 1:30-3:30.  Everyone has to be quiet.  So if you're working outside making noise you have to stop between those hours.  Also, Sundays is quiet DAY so no making any significant noise outside all day.  They are serious too.  My neighbor was chastised on a Sunday because her kids were outside jumping on the trampoline.  The neighbors behind me told me that they are okay with children and it's okay if ours are outside but they really don't like the trampoline next door because it just makes the children scream and yell too loud and so they had to ask that it be moved.  The good news is that as of the 1st of June here you can no longer sue your neighbor if their kids are too loud.  The screams and laughter of children is no longer considered noise.  No wonder the average family only has 1 child.

Just to expand on my point a little, last week we were taking our tennis lesson and the man next to us came over to tell us that, "This is not normal."  not sure what he was referring to we asked him what he was talking about.  He told us that we shouldn't be talking on the court, that wasn't normal.  Even our german tennis instructor was a little shocked by that one.  We explained that we were taking a lesson but he still disagreed and went and told the manager that we were making too much noise and then came back and said, "No you are going to learn."  So what happens....they kick us off the tennis court with our instructor who works there.  Yeah, still amazed by that one.

Now it's okay for your dog to bark in a restaurant.  No one even turns their head.  First I had to get used to dogs and cats in the restaurant and then last week when someone's big dog started barking in the restaurant I thought, oh man, they don't even like kids to talk too loud, I wonder what's going to happen now.  NOTHING.  The dog kept barking and everyone kept eating.

Note to self:  Leave your kids at home but it's okay to bring your dog to dinner.

Letter to My Neighbors

We just recieved a letter from our neighbor last night stating that they were having a birthday party for their daughter in their backyard and apologizing if they made to much noise.  I felt that I should follow their example and write my own letter.

Dear Germany,
We are the Swaffords.  We are here for the next two years.  We understand that you speak German here and with the exception of my husband, we are trying our best to learn it as fast as possible.  My husband does speak the international language of profanity so if he cannot understand you and you start yelling at him he will fall back on his international language and he has found that he is able to get his point across.

We come from the land of "the more the merrier"!  Now, you can stand on the other side of our fence and stare at us and refuse to smile or feel free to come on in and join the party.  Everyone is always welcome.  The best way that we have found to deal with all you grumpy people is to surround ourselves with fun people so therefore if we are home you can guarantee that there is going to be lots of people over here, way to much wine flowing and lots of great food.  We are sorry if the music gets too loud.  We have found that you love American music too and there's no better way to enjoy it but to dance and sing at the top of your lungs.

Our children like to play outside.  They are going to run, scream, squirt each other with the hose, throw balls and enjoy life to the fulliest.  This is okay, really, it's okay.  You were once a child too and if it bothers you that much then close your doors and windows and go inside because children need to play outside and enjoy the world like you once did when you were a child.


Sincerely,

Greg, Nicki, Brittany & Garrett